Pack N go ....

The next couple of days will be cherished so much more than before as the holidays are to end sometime soon. It has been a wonderful holiday with time spent with family and close mates of mine where food and drinks are plenty not to mention laughter. But as the saying goes, 'all good things must come to an end' so will this be too.

I shall miss the comforts of home, the company of my family and friends (not to mention the pet dog) and many others too yet I look forward to getting back to the rhythms of the formation house the early morning mass, the morning prayers and so on. But I must be honest as well here in that I do not look forward to members of the community whom I feel at times are full of pride and ego and not an ounce of humility, humor or compassion thinking that they're far much superior than me or others and worthy of being at the formation house more than others. Such arrogance indeed !

Yet I can't help but to think positively of all of it in terms of taking it as a learning curve in that I do not have to accept their arrogance and pride / ego instead to learn to accept it as it comes but more importantly not to turn to be like them and also not to have them destroy or be a factor in loosing my priestly vocation.

At times, I feel perhaps I am too emotional and too kind and it is at times prudent to be a bit more detached from all of these characters and live accordingly to my own understand and precepts especially towards the will of God who brought me into this new journey. This should be the ideal way but then it is not that easy as to be so would mean I am turning into those few characters within the formation house - and I should not stood so low like them instead I should be a better and charitable Christian / seminarian and go beyond and above them.

Let us see what is in store for me in these coming few months as I journey along with God.

As I have more available free time at present, I tend to use the time to ponder/ reflect on  my journey of discernment having entered the formation house.

 

The time spent at formation I can say for this moment to me is an interesting time not only in terms of the studies or the exposure we gain but more importantly the human characteristics/ interaction which I believe is at the very core of the formation process. Seminarians are not only formed to be humble and obedient but more importantly if possible to learn and be well aware of the individual's own weaknesses, to look at one-self in the mirror and try to learn not only of others but also of one-self. This exercise is rather very difficult as it requires the person to detach himself from himself and to analyse and make a prudent decision as to the next course of action and surrender himself to be formed accordingly against the grain of society or what we have been exposed and taught ever since we are young.

 

The very act of detaching our-self from our self is difficult and equally difficult would be to accept and learn from it. How are we suppose to consciously learn from our own self as this gets very much into the realm of philosophy in that we are able to look beyond our-self, de-constructing the event and learning, and applying it to daily life. Sounds simple and easy but humans are emotional being some more than others and this element is where it takes us to the level of difficulty.

It will require time but most importantly awareness to look at the situation/ environment particularly at one-self and the detachment from it. Only by doing so will we be able to have a certain degree of 'freedom' and the ability to learn from the situation which has been presented to us.



Genuine Community ...

Let it be known that there was never anyone who ever said living as a community was ever easy. Even a family living together under one roof could experience periodic squabbles amongst siblings or even between both husband and wife what more to say total strangers from different background staying together. Yet that doesn't mean it is impossible but what makes it possible requires effort and foresight which can best be seen within the Carmelite community/ monastery.

 

Not too far from the present formation house there is a Carmelite monastery consisting of approximately twenty nuns mostly elderly in terms of age. The Carmelites known for their strict contemplative life is basically totally engaged in prayers and is considered as the 'heart' of a diocese with the local ordinary as their 'protector'.

 

Community life in the Carmelites is considered by many as the extreme and vocation to the Carmelites are extremely rare and for those who enter are usually I believe those who have given it much thought or discernment and able to cut off ties with the secular world and only focusing on God and a life of prayer.

Whatever it is, one can't imagine the beauty of community living within the confines of the monastery. How is it possible that a group of twenty nuns able to live together under one roof each and every day of their life without any kind of 'escape' from the others (as being Carmelites they are not allowed to venture out unless the need to visit the doctors or necessary). Compare this situation with other congregation or even diocesan priests, at least if we are not happy or have trouble with another brother within the community we can very well be patient and wait for 'free-day' during the weekend to leave the formation house and to de-stress one-self but for the Carmelites that option is never available. They are in so many ways stuck with each other through thick and thin - good times and bad to venture together as one community and to learn to respect and accept each other as lovingly as Christ did. This is the beauty of the Carmelites and within the walls of the monastery I can't help but believe that God is really present there encouraging and helping each and every Carmelite to live the community life with the main focus on God. It is only through the foresight of knowing that the ultimate prize is God and the acceptance of God being the 'super-glue' within the community would it then be possible for the existence of a genuine community living.

 

Community living ...

Place ten different men in one common environment who comes from a diverse background not to mention differences in age, ethnicity, education and social and you'll end up with a constant headache but a very interesting dynamics at play between each other.

 

In some instances you'll see domineering characters, individuals who demands to be respected forgetting that respect is earned, and you'll definitely have one who tends to look down at others thinking he is better than the rest expecting others to obediently follow his instructions, in short trying to be mature but he doesn't even have the experience nor the age to gain such life experiences and a lacking in formal education.

 

How does one attempt to maneuver this daily occurrences and the simple answer is you don't. One just allow it to happen and consider it as part of the formation, the learning process but that is one of the difficult part to do- to be able to take one step back and analyse it and laugh at it. It is always easier said than done but in order for one to survive and try to learn something from it - that is the only way forward and not to be entangled in this web spurn by others who thinks so much highly of themselves not looking at their own image in the mirror which is so filled with ego and self-centredness.

 

If one is able to successfully do so, to avoid all these pit-falls of community living then one is considered as highly successfully to be above all of these but more importantly reach a certain level of maturity and the formation period would be focused no longer on community living but to the next stage which is more tuned towards the academic studies. But this needs a lot of patience, meditation and most of all understanding which is something not gained over night but through a serious process of self examination i.e. in terms of priorities, prayer and guidance from not only the formatters but from God.

 

Community living is the most difficult aspect of formation and this aspect is clearly being given emphasis in addition to spirituality. However, in terms of degree of emphasis I believe it is important that a higher weightage be given to community living as it means the ability to get along with others harmoniously, respecting each other's views/ way of living/ personality but more importantly looking and treating each other equally and lovingly as Christ did to his apostles. It is a tough call yet it has to be nurtured from the onset of formation and not allow ten different people imprinting ten different types of definition of community living who tends to forget the presence of Christ as the glue to the community.  

3 months ..

It has been like more than 3 months since I step on the grounds of the seminary. How was all of it thus far is a question I tend to hear upon seeing friends and family members when back for the semester break.

 

There are mix feelings when trying to answer that question but one particular feeling tend to stand out from the rest, namely the feeling of calm, peacefulness, and I must say to the surprise of many - happiness. YES ! quite a number of people tend to be extremely taken by surprise with my answer and I do not blame them as I find it difficult to explain or express the intimate feeling which I had experience within the walls of the seminary. In most probability others who have never nor the opportunity to be in such an environment would no doubt unable to relate to what I am talking about (then again perhaps this is just only the beginning).

 

I too am surprise with the whole experience and never thought I would be experiencing such wonderful feelings but at the back of my mind I constantly try to remind myself and to be cautious that perhaps this feeling is but a temporary reprieve for  me as there will be times when I would detest being in the formation house. This could be true as I will face much more challenges especially the community aspect of it which I had some unpleasant experience during the first semester yet I soldier on and consider it part of the formation. 'A storm in a tea cup', was my comment when I was confronted by the formatter when asked with the unpleasant situation, to which he was glad I am taking it in such a manner.

 

There will be more challenges ahead as a new semester begins and with much more activities and study pressures mount up as we carry on yet I believe if I am to take it as part and parcel of formation and to look at all the pleasant and unpleasant situation /experiences as a learning process or being formed accordingly by God then I would be able to place these experiences in a different domain. I would need to learn to take a step back and look at the overall picture and deduce as to what I am suppose to learn from it - being guided by the Holy Spirit and most importantly allowing God to transform / form me according to His will and not mine. Yet there will be times when the humanistic methodology or aspect seems to sip into the whole experience trying to deduce the whole episode in a human way instead of the spiritual would tend to dampen the whole experience or learning process which ideally should be spiritually based. I do not think I am able to stop that from happening but merely to constantly attempt to remind myself of the spiritual aspect would be a positive step as I am but a mere human being. It will take a long time to learn to let go and let the Holy Spirit guide me in this journey and I should never expect things to happen overnight. This is a challenge and the whole purpose of being in the formation house to enable myself to be formed / re-formed accordingly like a clay with God as the potter.

 

 

Courage

COURAGE is only but a word, yet for those who doesn't have it or lack of it and faced with a great need for it ...life would be difficult without it.

 

Yes there are many people out there who face much difficulties in life and this is a pale comparison to those people but the degree of difficulty and the mannerism of coping with each difficulty is of course different from one person to another. Some may have the opinion that what is being expressed here is very much a small matter compared to many others out there and on hindsight perhaps it may be true but then I am here not comparing nor talking about the difficulties of others but of my own situation.

 

After 20 years of being away from the church the very first step of 'returning' to God is rather difficult perhaps difficult in terms of facing all that I have done in the past and trying to make a clean break or a fresh start. But what I realized is the difficulty in confronting myself, looking at myself in the mirror and admitting to all my faults without trying to find excuses to defend myself. How many of us can really do so without feeling remorse or can do so without shedding a tear or two, confronting your-self admitting to all the faults and pleading to be forgiven and seeking absolution from God wanting to return to the true path. I am certain for many of us we may take the whole process of reconciliation for granted but for someone who has been 'away' for 20 years this is the moment of truth, where I am being forced to face myself strip naked to look at my real self, acknowledging my weaknesses, my failures, my faults, all those I have done or not done. It was painful, it was difficult but for the most of it, I felt humiliated that I had done what I did and there were no words available to describe the feeling of utter regret and sadness not to mention that I was able to do what I did in the past.

 

There was utter pain within me yet at the end of it I was able to feel God's mercy and compassion towards me His warm embrace and willingness to forgive and consoling me that through it all He was still beside me no matter under what circumstances I was at in the past.

 

I never will forget the moment after I had confessed all of my sins, the tears and the feeling of remorse, the moment the dark clouds were removed for me to experience the bright sunlight, the saving power of God that all is well and fine and for me to start fresh, anew walking again with my Lord and  my God.

 

Many I am certain perhaps will not experience this but I do not encourage as well to walk in the dark but one thing I will constantly remind myself is that 20 years of walking in the dark is enough for me and I will not want to repeat the same mistake. Instead I will want to continue to bask in God's sunshine and to share in His laughter and joy.....

 

Yet till this day, I believe that God was never far from me during the period I was away from Him, in that He ensured I was still being guided by the Holy Spirit and the promptings of the Holy Spirit to lead me 'home' to where I rightfully belong. 

Genesis ....

The book of Genesis is the first book of the Hebrew bible and the Old Testament. It is the first book - the main point I am trying to show here ..in that there must be a beginning of this journey of mine why it all came to this - the beginning ..the Genesis of my discernment journey.

 

When asked 'why' I did it - and my best answer would be 'why not'... we all have desires in life - in that we are given only one life and if we don't try or attempt to discern to find out what is the best life which will give me the ultimate satisfaction then we will not be able to say at the end of our journey that we have lived to the fullest or perhaps the best of our one life.

 

For me, I just want to experience the joy of life, the peacefulness of life which after searching and under direction I find that perhaps this is it. It may sound self-centred but then in every personal desire of ours it always starts with our-self - that personal desire i.e. wanting it for our own self instead of others. This can be seen in marriages, one's desire to marry another person in order to fulfil one's own selfish desire of love or having him/her as one's partner in life. The same can be said as well of extra marital affairs, the fulfilment of another person's personal desire for another person though he/she is married. Is this not selfish ?

 

A lot can be said on the topic of selfishness or of being self-centred but I can clearly recall, the desire to be a priest has been in me for sometime ever since I was faithfully serving in church as an altar-server. Each time I serve I would be thinking as to how it would feel to be there at the altar celebrating mass and being able to elevate the sacred host and the blood. I never express my desire then to consider the priesthood to my parish priest nor my family as I felt not worthy but more importantly I do not think it would be taken seriously instead it would be a laughing matter. In addition, most people around me would never consider me as a candidate nor have the qualities to be a priest - as I came from a 'dysfunctional' family in that it is 'broken' where love and affection is scarce.

 

As time goes by and as I step onto the real world after completing my tertiary education and immersing myself in the corporate and public sector, the desire of the priesthood slowly diminish but it never totally extinguished itself. From time to time, the desire did float back and forth and each time it happens I would brush it aside yet it persisted. The period when I was in the secular world was a time when I can be considered as a lapse Catholic. Church attendance was extremely rare and going to confession and receiving communion was something alien to me. I was 'away' from the church for nearly 20 years and during those times I was constantly in a spiritual struggle as if there was a force which keeps on pulling me back to the church and whenever I had the courage to bring myself to church - there would be many moments where I would be in tears, feeling the unworthiness to be in front of the Lord, my sinfulness and the wanting to be back at the embrace of the Lord yet I didn't have the courage to do so until much later. 

Initiation ...

I was absolutely uncertain even on the final night prior to my entering the seminary i.e. Initiation Year or IY. There were so many things in my mind ranging from fear to excitement, not being able to pin-point the exact feeling or even how I should feel or for that matter, how a seminarian should feel before stepping onto unfamiliar grounds.

Whatever the feeling may be, the decision has been made and that after undergoing two years of spiritual direction with two separate priest, the many conversations I had with two close seminarian friends of mine about my vocation, and the many community masses I had attended and a short sojourn at the diocesan formation house, have all come to this.

This very first step I feel is the most important one to bring myself to another phase of commitment in my discernment. The whole process of initial discernment from the first time I attended a vocation weekend camp to my short stay with the Jesuits in Singapore and the spiritual direction would come to absolute nothing if I did not make a decision on how I would further proceed. A decision has to be made, either I take the plunge or do I make a firm decision not to proceed further and to remain in the secular world. Deep down inside, I had made a decision to proceed with my discernment but it was extremely difficult for me to implement the decision taken as I procrastinate on the whole matter giving unnecessary excuses.

Nevertheless, I believe with the guidance of the Holy Spirit and encouragement and support from unlikely people, I took myself by surprise and put the whole process into motion. Requesting for the application form from the Rector, undergoing a full medical check-up, and meeting the local ordinary on three different occasion kind of sealed the whole process and it was a matter of allowing the local ordinary to make the final decision. After waiting for three weeks, the day came when I was to receive news on my application and it was positive and the 'ball' was left to me either for me to kick it back or to take it and 'play' along.

There were some even priests who were apprehensive that I would take the plunge considering my age, years of working experiences and time spent in the secular world, but eventually the day came and I made preparations to enter. With the air-ticket and 2 luggage I made my way to the airport and after bidding farewell to my parents I was off and that 28th January 2013 was the day I came knocking on the door of the formation house asking God whether He would permit me to enter and be formed accordingly to His will.