Courage

COURAGE is only but a word, yet for those who doesn't have it or lack of it and faced with a great need for it ...life would be difficult without it.

 

Yes there are many people out there who face much difficulties in life and this is a pale comparison to those people but the degree of difficulty and the mannerism of coping with each difficulty is of course different from one person to another. Some may have the opinion that what is being expressed here is very much a small matter compared to many others out there and on hindsight perhaps it may be true but then I am here not comparing nor talking about the difficulties of others but of my own situation.

 

After 20 years of being away from the church the very first step of 'returning' to God is rather difficult perhaps difficult in terms of facing all that I have done in the past and trying to make a clean break or a fresh start. But what I realized is the difficulty in confronting myself, looking at myself in the mirror and admitting to all my faults without trying to find excuses to defend myself. How many of us can really do so without feeling remorse or can do so without shedding a tear or two, confronting your-self admitting to all the faults and pleading to be forgiven and seeking absolution from God wanting to return to the true path. I am certain for many of us we may take the whole process of reconciliation for granted but for someone who has been 'away' for 20 years this is the moment of truth, where I am being forced to face myself strip naked to look at my real self, acknowledging my weaknesses, my failures, my faults, all those I have done or not done. It was painful, it was difficult but for the most of it, I felt humiliated that I had done what I did and there were no words available to describe the feeling of utter regret and sadness not to mention that I was able to do what I did in the past.

 

There was utter pain within me yet at the end of it I was able to feel God's mercy and compassion towards me His warm embrace and willingness to forgive and consoling me that through it all He was still beside me no matter under what circumstances I was at in the past.

 

I never will forget the moment after I had confessed all of my sins, the tears and the feeling of remorse, the moment the dark clouds were removed for me to experience the bright sunlight, the saving power of God that all is well and fine and for me to start fresh, anew walking again with my Lord and  my God.

 

Many I am certain perhaps will not experience this but I do not encourage as well to walk in the dark but one thing I will constantly remind myself is that 20 years of walking in the dark is enough for me and I will not want to repeat the same mistake. Instead I will want to continue to bask in God's sunshine and to share in His laughter and joy.....

 

Yet till this day, I believe that God was never far from me during the period I was away from Him, in that He ensured I was still being guided by the Holy Spirit and the promptings of the Holy Spirit to lead me 'home' to where I rightfully belong.