'There is no holiness in sadness'...

...and then Pope Francis took seminarians and novices to task for being "too serious, too sad". "Something's not right here," Francis told them pointing out that, "There is no sadness in holiness", and adding that such clergy lack, "the joy of the Lord"....

"If you find a seminarian, priest, nun, with a long, sad face, if it seems as if in their life someone threw a wet blanket over them," then one should conclude, "it's a psychiatric problem, they can leave- buenos dias".

The above two comments made recently by Pope Francis I to seminarians and novices during a four day international event for seminarians, novices and those on a vocational journey, clearly sends a chill to the spine of seminarians. However, we can't deny the truth in the Holy Father's statement as sadness in a person does not equate to holiness and this is especially so for seminarians. There are some seminarians who seems to go around feeling sombre to show his piety / deep holiness and even if there is a smile it would be a smile or a laugh which is with extreme reluctance or controlled mannerism. I can imagine this kind of personality as there is one here in the seminary who seems to frown on priest inserting humour in his homilies and constantly parading himself being full of holiness by rejecting humour and showing constant sadness to the extend of crying on certain occasion during prayers and when reciting the rosary.

Is this type of holiness genuine or is it only as an exhibit for others to see ....only God knows ...and at the end of the day, it is God's will .....on whether one continues or leaves the formation

Is there love ....

I suddenly had this thought gushing through my mind when I was alone having my afternoon coffee at the dinning hall not too long ago. The thought which went through my mind was wondering if there is LOVE in the formation house especially among the brother seminarians. Initial thoughts were very much inclined towards the affirmative or positive but as I sat there pondering away with my coffee getting cold, I realized that perhaps there is little love but not an absence of love though.

I attributed this thought to the various incidences within the formation house since semester one and the feeling of in-sincerity and reservations among us at the present moment. Love has made or is making a presence but it does not thrive as it should be due to one reason or another. We tend to be full of ego, pride, arrogance and being so competitive not to mention a few individual of have been judgemental even to the extend of judging who is fit or have the characteristics of being a priest or otherwise. These negative elements unfortunately is very much alive and surrounding all of us here and perhaps it is due to our lack of a prayer life or not wanting our-selves to 'die' for Christ instead living our old life.

God's love I believe is every where and within us - as He lives in us but it is up to us whether we wish for His love to grow within us and in our surroundings or we prefer to push that love aside and be the person who decides how much love and where does this love go to in that we are the ultimate decision maker rather than letting God's love flow freely around. Are we also willing to nurture this love or just let it wither and die as is the case it seems in this place. Maybe in time to come God in His own way, will open each and everyone's heart to His love to enable love to be ever present within us and amongst us. In the mean time I just have to learn to open my heart and be patient enough to let God's grace to work within the community.

Casualties of WAR ....

I am not certain as to the statistics of seminarians entering various religious/formation houses in any part of the world. The same can also be said of those leaving and the reason(s) behind them i.e. is it because the absence of a vocation or perhaps some other reason(s). I do not know for sure as well what is the measurement yardstick being used or to which it is measured against. Of course there are proper documents or encyclicals in relation to the formation of individuals for the priesthood/ or religious but these are only general guidelines for references purposes as at the end of the day, final decisions usually rest on rectors of individual formation houses and there are no concrete rules or perhaps consulters on the matter at hand. In some ways it is very hierarchical or rather undemocratic in the sense not much space is given for one to perhaps defend one-self from the various allegations but then the church we must know and accept is as such, hierarchical in its nature. Nevertheless, there must be a certain or high degree of trust in God and whatever action or consequences should be viewed in that light.

This issue came into mind as not too long ago I was informed that another seminarian (from different year/intake) has left the formation house yet nobody actually knows the reason behind it. I can't help but imagine as to the reason for his decision and ponder whether was there any attempt by the formatters to actually reason with the individual and try to change his mind or there was none made and he was just left - to make his own decision and leave without any effort to nature the vocation. But whatever it is, this is not the first time but there has been many in the past and most of never know as to the reason(s) behind the leaving or whether there were any positive steps to actually avert this unpleasant situation.

Vocation to the priesthood/ religious life is actually very precious and there must be efforts to ensure that each vocation is properly nurtured and cared for by the formatters. There should also not be any formatters who think or wish to play 'God' in the sense of being the authority to simply terminate a person's vocation due to his biasness or personal dissatisfaction over a particular person. Extreme care should be given before a decision is made to terminate the vocation formation process of a seminarian especially with a backdrop of the number of seminarian / priest.

Whatever the circumstances, we just need to continue to place our trust in God and just allow Him to do what He feels is best for His church and people eventhough we may  not agree.

Time flies ...

Can't believe it .. but time really flies ...as it is now like 3 weeks into the new semester at the formation house. I have been busy with the routine without realization that I have been back here for sometime. Lectures resume accordingly with results from the first semester exams / assignments slowly but surely coming in from the respective lecturers/ priest. Kind of surprise that I did rather well for my first exams but now I fear if I am able to maintain or improve on these results this semester. In the event my results drop in this semester I am certain I will be questioned by the Rector as he may think I am not being serious or too confident with the subjects of study. I can't do much but to try my very best and to leave the rest to God for not wanting to be seen or considered as proud or arrogant or without any humility.

Life's routine has sunk in pretty well I must say. The gruelling task of having to wake up early in the morning to prepare for morning daily mass still at times gets on my nerve but I suppose I will never ever be used to it no matter under whatever circumstances I am at. I will just have to accept that as my own personal characteristics / the individual tread or DNA which is me and live with it for the rest of my life. Come to think of it, I don't think there are many priests who are able to like wake up early in the morning without a complaint or dreading having to wake up at such abnormal hours of the day. Still I believe it has it's own advantages in that one can actually feel the fresh cool air of the morning and be up and about earlier than most people and boast of it ...(where's my humility !)

Yes, we can never deny nor erase our past or try to attempt to change who we are. There are reasons as to why we are born with certain characters or elements compared to others. I am certain there are many instances where we would think enviously of the other person who have better characters or even outlook than us and we wanting to be that person. I for myself don't deny not ever wishing for that and even till now I would still wish to have certain characters or elements which belongs to someone else and not willingly accepting my own. But as time passes and age is catching up on me, I believe I am born with certain characters for reasons which I need to discover or kept unknown to me till the time is right. Even in terms of life's experiences, one can never try to erase one's past life experiences no matter how bad they are- and one should never do so as it has a special meaning and is the personal tread/ or element of that special particular you. There should not be any shame of it instead should try to look at it from a positive perspective in that it has shaped one into who we are today and it is never static but constantly on the move to change the course of life's direction and who we are.

Christ's most important commandment...

'You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’
The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.” (Matthew 22:36-40)

What has been shared from the gospel of Matthew on the greatest or important commandment of Jesus Christ has most frequently being overlooked or not given importance or emphasis. There are many of us who tend to focus on a few commandments and usually these would be commandments which are convenient to us or which we feel are more comfortable with rather than focussing on the most important commandment which is as shared above.

 

The formation house unfortunately is not spared from such an embarrassing situation as after all we here are all humans with our weaknesses and frailties. There are those who seem to be extremely 'holy', with postures and gestures akin to those of a 'saint' when in the chapel or church or in front of authority but tend to be the opposite when dealing with fellow brother seminarian. There will be hatred, indifference, or pompous or looking down at others - but come to time for prayer in the chapel the individual will display a totally different personality and outlook.

 

Sadly enough this is also extended to priests who are seen as aloof, indifference or selective in terms of their friends/ parishioners which I have experienced before. These kind of priest surely gives a bad impression to the general community on the kind of priests within the community and will also give the perception to seminarians that it doesn't matter in that priests can be selective on who are their friends and the mixture which surely are those from the financially better off members of the community. Even when such a situation is present there are many instances where the local ordinary/Bishops seems not to be interested to caution the priest or even comment on the matter. Instead it is left as if nothing happens or the action is permissible within the community of priests or perhaps the local ordinary himself is subscribing to similar or the same policy.

 

It never cease to baffles me on how people could be like that or act / treat others in such a manner especially in the priest formation house where an air of arrogance can be felt within the atmosphere without any kind of guilt and remorse. Yet these individual(s) can still continue to be in here without an ounce of humility. Perhaps this is how God operates in that the years of formation will eventually formed the individual into what God has planned and that the individual will bend low and really be humble and if that is so I hope it will come to fruition and be for the benefit of the individual and community.

 

One week ....

Can't imagine how time really flies. In the midst of a new semester and busy preparing the whole place up for a new term not to mention cleaning one's own room, the new week is just about to end and come next week, it is a whole brand new week. Most activities would be back to normal and I suspect things are not going to be that 'easy' compared to the 1st semester. Lecturers have been hinting that they will be tougher than before and will not be that 'forgiving'....that sounds down right cruel but I believe it is for our own good too.

We can't be continually pampered as things will need to be more disciplined and our endurance being tested as it will be an uphill struggle from now on but I believe it won't be that bad as I have put it as there will be room for some kind of leniency and consideration.

Whatever it is, I still can't believe that the week is about to end and a new week emerging from behind the clouds and preparing for 2nd semester exams will need to be thought about not to mention planned soonest.

Still, the journey is a long one but - then again I am glad that a decision to enter into the formation house has been made and I am now here compared to being indecisive about my entry. At least the first step which is the hardest is out of my way and now I will need to follow the flow of things.

As for the community, in some aspect it is still uneventful - perhaps because strangely enough there is kind of like a 'stranger' feeling, a lacking of intimacy due to the events of last term or maybe we are all a bit cautious as we just met yet again after an absence of like 2 months. Maybe we will warm up yet again after a week or two.

Dried Apricot

Many people thought that once an individual enters the formation house ...all is being taken care for by those on top. Seminarians are only required to pray and study while the rest are well taken care of by certain people.

If that is the idea of most people then I must protest and correct it as it is not that all rosy in the formation house. Seminarians are required to do their own laundry or in groups, potter around, clean the compound, clean the toilets and bathrooms, sacristy responsibilities and much more. That is on top of being responsible for one's own room. Cooking is of course being taken care by the cook and the rest is to be the responsibility of the seminarians or a group of seminarians.

I am feeling so tired after finishing some duties assigned to me and now my body is aching as if I a dried apricot being sucked out its juices. But I take consolation in that I will have a good night's sleep tonight compared to last night where I was not able to have a sound sleep. I kept on waking up every few hours perhaps missing my bed and the air condition at home compared to the environment I am sleeping in now at the formation house which is rather simple ! The vow of simplicity indeed.

There has not been any news on the exams results held on the first term, slight delay perhaps and every one seems to be eager wanting to know the outcome. I do not how good I fare at it but what is done is done and all I know is that I've given it my best shot and whatever the outcome I will accept it accordingly though it may be disappointing, still I will have to swallow and accept it.

In any case, I was never an academically inclined individual as I am more of a 'survivor' - able to survive on most exams in the past.

Silence .....

It is awfully quiet .. the corridors are un-lit and seems to be nobody around .. weird but that is perhaps how it is .. after a long vacation ...

But I do have this feeling that it is not because of the other seminarian are tired rather I feel most dread coming back to the formation house. how about me ..then ?

As for me, in all honesty I am rather happy and relieved to be back again as I am able to yet once again follow the rhythm of the formation though I know at times I will feel frustrated and tired of it all but for me I feel at least life has a meaning, a focus and that I know I am doing something which is the desire of my inner most heart and not something which I dread or not happy about.

I do not know about the rest but I was happy when I saw the formation house and it feels like home ..to my surprise when I called home to inform my parents that I have reached safely at the formation house - that they even refer it to my 'home', instead of the seminary ! Surprising indeed.

I will need to settle down and prepare for tomorrow as I believe lectures would begin and the ritual of waking up for the morning mass and prayers !

How wonderful it is to be back ...and I thank the Almighty God for it.

Pack N go ....

The next couple of days will be cherished so much more than before as the holidays are to end sometime soon. It has been a wonderful holiday with time spent with family and close mates of mine where food and drinks are plenty not to mention laughter. But as the saying goes, 'all good things must come to an end' so will this be too.

I shall miss the comforts of home, the company of my family and friends (not to mention the pet dog) and many others too yet I look forward to getting back to the rhythms of the formation house the early morning mass, the morning prayers and so on. But I must be honest as well here in that I do not look forward to members of the community whom I feel at times are full of pride and ego and not an ounce of humility, humor or compassion thinking that they're far much superior than me or others and worthy of being at the formation house more than others. Such arrogance indeed !

Yet I can't help but to think positively of all of it in terms of taking it as a learning curve in that I do not have to accept their arrogance and pride / ego instead to learn to accept it as it comes but more importantly not to turn to be like them and also not to have them destroy or be a factor in loosing my priestly vocation.

At times, I feel perhaps I am too emotional and too kind and it is at times prudent to be a bit more detached from all of these characters and live accordingly to my own understand and precepts especially towards the will of God who brought me into this new journey. This should be the ideal way but then it is not that easy as to be so would mean I am turning into those few characters within the formation house - and I should not stood so low like them instead I should be a better and charitable Christian / seminarian and go beyond and above them.

Let us see what is in store for me in these coming few months as I journey along with God.

As I have more available free time at present, I tend to use the time to ponder/ reflect on  my journey of discernment having entered the formation house.

 

The time spent at formation I can say for this moment to me is an interesting time not only in terms of the studies or the exposure we gain but more importantly the human characteristics/ interaction which I believe is at the very core of the formation process. Seminarians are not only formed to be humble and obedient but more importantly if possible to learn and be well aware of the individual's own weaknesses, to look at one-self in the mirror and try to learn not only of others but also of one-self. This exercise is rather very difficult as it requires the person to detach himself from himself and to analyse and make a prudent decision as to the next course of action and surrender himself to be formed accordingly against the grain of society or what we have been exposed and taught ever since we are young.

 

The very act of detaching our-self from our self is difficult and equally difficult would be to accept and learn from it. How are we suppose to consciously learn from our own self as this gets very much into the realm of philosophy in that we are able to look beyond our-self, de-constructing the event and learning, and applying it to daily life. Sounds simple and easy but humans are emotional being some more than others and this element is where it takes us to the level of difficulty.

It will require time but most importantly awareness to look at the situation/ environment particularly at one-self and the detachment from it. Only by doing so will we be able to have a certain degree of 'freedom' and the ability to learn from the situation which has been presented to us.



Genuine Community ...

Let it be known that there was never anyone who ever said living as a community was ever easy. Even a family living together under one roof could experience periodic squabbles amongst siblings or even between both husband and wife what more to say total strangers from different background staying together. Yet that doesn't mean it is impossible but what makes it possible requires effort and foresight which can best be seen within the Carmelite community/ monastery.

 

Not too far from the present formation house there is a Carmelite monastery consisting of approximately twenty nuns mostly elderly in terms of age. The Carmelites known for their strict contemplative life is basically totally engaged in prayers and is considered as the 'heart' of a diocese with the local ordinary as their 'protector'.

 

Community life in the Carmelites is considered by many as the extreme and vocation to the Carmelites are extremely rare and for those who enter are usually I believe those who have given it much thought or discernment and able to cut off ties with the secular world and only focusing on God and a life of prayer.

Whatever it is, one can't imagine the beauty of community living within the confines of the monastery. How is it possible that a group of twenty nuns able to live together under one roof each and every day of their life without any kind of 'escape' from the others (as being Carmelites they are not allowed to venture out unless the need to visit the doctors or necessary). Compare this situation with other congregation or even diocesan priests, at least if we are not happy or have trouble with another brother within the community we can very well be patient and wait for 'free-day' during the weekend to leave the formation house and to de-stress one-self but for the Carmelites that option is never available. They are in so many ways stuck with each other through thick and thin - good times and bad to venture together as one community and to learn to respect and accept each other as lovingly as Christ did. This is the beauty of the Carmelites and within the walls of the monastery I can't help but believe that God is really present there encouraging and helping each and every Carmelite to live the community life with the main focus on God. It is only through the foresight of knowing that the ultimate prize is God and the acceptance of God being the 'super-glue' within the community would it then be possible for the existence of a genuine community living.

 

Community living ...

Place ten different men in one common environment who comes from a diverse background not to mention differences in age, ethnicity, education and social and you'll end up with a constant headache but a very interesting dynamics at play between each other.

 

In some instances you'll see domineering characters, individuals who demands to be respected forgetting that respect is earned, and you'll definitely have one who tends to look down at others thinking he is better than the rest expecting others to obediently follow his instructions, in short trying to be mature but he doesn't even have the experience nor the age to gain such life experiences and a lacking in formal education.

 

How does one attempt to maneuver this daily occurrences and the simple answer is you don't. One just allow it to happen and consider it as part of the formation, the learning process but that is one of the difficult part to do- to be able to take one step back and analyse it and laugh at it. It is always easier said than done but in order for one to survive and try to learn something from it - that is the only way forward and not to be entangled in this web spurn by others who thinks so much highly of themselves not looking at their own image in the mirror which is so filled with ego and self-centredness.

 

If one is able to successfully do so, to avoid all these pit-falls of community living then one is considered as highly successfully to be above all of these but more importantly reach a certain level of maturity and the formation period would be focused no longer on community living but to the next stage which is more tuned towards the academic studies. But this needs a lot of patience, meditation and most of all understanding which is something not gained over night but through a serious process of self examination i.e. in terms of priorities, prayer and guidance from not only the formatters but from God.

 

Community living is the most difficult aspect of formation and this aspect is clearly being given emphasis in addition to spirituality. However, in terms of degree of emphasis I believe it is important that a higher weightage be given to community living as it means the ability to get along with others harmoniously, respecting each other's views/ way of living/ personality but more importantly looking and treating each other equally and lovingly as Christ did to his apostles. It is a tough call yet it has to be nurtured from the onset of formation and not allow ten different people imprinting ten different types of definition of community living who tends to forget the presence of Christ as the glue to the community.  

3 months ..

It has been like more than 3 months since I step on the grounds of the seminary. How was all of it thus far is a question I tend to hear upon seeing friends and family members when back for the semester break.

 

There are mix feelings when trying to answer that question but one particular feeling tend to stand out from the rest, namely the feeling of calm, peacefulness, and I must say to the surprise of many - happiness. YES ! quite a number of people tend to be extremely taken by surprise with my answer and I do not blame them as I find it difficult to explain or express the intimate feeling which I had experience within the walls of the seminary. In most probability others who have never nor the opportunity to be in such an environment would no doubt unable to relate to what I am talking about (then again perhaps this is just only the beginning).

 

I too am surprise with the whole experience and never thought I would be experiencing such wonderful feelings but at the back of my mind I constantly try to remind myself and to be cautious that perhaps this feeling is but a temporary reprieve for  me as there will be times when I would detest being in the formation house. This could be true as I will face much more challenges especially the community aspect of it which I had some unpleasant experience during the first semester yet I soldier on and consider it part of the formation. 'A storm in a tea cup', was my comment when I was confronted by the formatter when asked with the unpleasant situation, to which he was glad I am taking it in such a manner.

 

There will be more challenges ahead as a new semester begins and with much more activities and study pressures mount up as we carry on yet I believe if I am to take it as part and parcel of formation and to look at all the pleasant and unpleasant situation /experiences as a learning process or being formed accordingly by God then I would be able to place these experiences in a different domain. I would need to learn to take a step back and look at the overall picture and deduce as to what I am suppose to learn from it - being guided by the Holy Spirit and most importantly allowing God to transform / form me according to His will and not mine. Yet there will be times when the humanistic methodology or aspect seems to sip into the whole experience trying to deduce the whole episode in a human way instead of the spiritual would tend to dampen the whole experience or learning process which ideally should be spiritually based. I do not think I am able to stop that from happening but merely to constantly attempt to remind myself of the spiritual aspect would be a positive step as I am but a mere human being. It will take a long time to learn to let go and let the Holy Spirit guide me in this journey and I should never expect things to happen overnight. This is a challenge and the whole purpose of being in the formation house to enable myself to be formed / re-formed accordingly like a clay with God as the potter.

 

 

Courage

COURAGE is only but a word, yet for those who doesn't have it or lack of it and faced with a great need for it ...life would be difficult without it.

 

Yes there are many people out there who face much difficulties in life and this is a pale comparison to those people but the degree of difficulty and the mannerism of coping with each difficulty is of course different from one person to another. Some may have the opinion that what is being expressed here is very much a small matter compared to many others out there and on hindsight perhaps it may be true but then I am here not comparing nor talking about the difficulties of others but of my own situation.

 

After 20 years of being away from the church the very first step of 'returning' to God is rather difficult perhaps difficult in terms of facing all that I have done in the past and trying to make a clean break or a fresh start. But what I realized is the difficulty in confronting myself, looking at myself in the mirror and admitting to all my faults without trying to find excuses to defend myself. How many of us can really do so without feeling remorse or can do so without shedding a tear or two, confronting your-self admitting to all the faults and pleading to be forgiven and seeking absolution from God wanting to return to the true path. I am certain for many of us we may take the whole process of reconciliation for granted but for someone who has been 'away' for 20 years this is the moment of truth, where I am being forced to face myself strip naked to look at my real self, acknowledging my weaknesses, my failures, my faults, all those I have done or not done. It was painful, it was difficult but for the most of it, I felt humiliated that I had done what I did and there were no words available to describe the feeling of utter regret and sadness not to mention that I was able to do what I did in the past.

 

There was utter pain within me yet at the end of it I was able to feel God's mercy and compassion towards me His warm embrace and willingness to forgive and consoling me that through it all He was still beside me no matter under what circumstances I was at in the past.

 

I never will forget the moment after I had confessed all of my sins, the tears and the feeling of remorse, the moment the dark clouds were removed for me to experience the bright sunlight, the saving power of God that all is well and fine and for me to start fresh, anew walking again with my Lord and  my God.

 

Many I am certain perhaps will not experience this but I do not encourage as well to walk in the dark but one thing I will constantly remind myself is that 20 years of walking in the dark is enough for me and I will not want to repeat the same mistake. Instead I will want to continue to bask in God's sunshine and to share in His laughter and joy.....

 

Yet till this day, I believe that God was never far from me during the period I was away from Him, in that He ensured I was still being guided by the Holy Spirit and the promptings of the Holy Spirit to lead me 'home' to where I rightfully belong. 

Genesis ....

The book of Genesis is the first book of the Hebrew bible and the Old Testament. It is the first book - the main point I am trying to show here ..in that there must be a beginning of this journey of mine why it all came to this - the beginning ..the Genesis of my discernment journey.

 

When asked 'why' I did it - and my best answer would be 'why not'... we all have desires in life - in that we are given only one life and if we don't try or attempt to discern to find out what is the best life which will give me the ultimate satisfaction then we will not be able to say at the end of our journey that we have lived to the fullest or perhaps the best of our one life.

 

For me, I just want to experience the joy of life, the peacefulness of life which after searching and under direction I find that perhaps this is it. It may sound self-centred but then in every personal desire of ours it always starts with our-self - that personal desire i.e. wanting it for our own self instead of others. This can be seen in marriages, one's desire to marry another person in order to fulfil one's own selfish desire of love or having him/her as one's partner in life. The same can be said as well of extra marital affairs, the fulfilment of another person's personal desire for another person though he/she is married. Is this not selfish ?

 

A lot can be said on the topic of selfishness or of being self-centred but I can clearly recall, the desire to be a priest has been in me for sometime ever since I was faithfully serving in church as an altar-server. Each time I serve I would be thinking as to how it would feel to be there at the altar celebrating mass and being able to elevate the sacred host and the blood. I never express my desire then to consider the priesthood to my parish priest nor my family as I felt not worthy but more importantly I do not think it would be taken seriously instead it would be a laughing matter. In addition, most people around me would never consider me as a candidate nor have the qualities to be a priest - as I came from a 'dysfunctional' family in that it is 'broken' where love and affection is scarce.

 

As time goes by and as I step onto the real world after completing my tertiary education and immersing myself in the corporate and public sector, the desire of the priesthood slowly diminish but it never totally extinguished itself. From time to time, the desire did float back and forth and each time it happens I would brush it aside yet it persisted. The period when I was in the secular world was a time when I can be considered as a lapse Catholic. Church attendance was extremely rare and going to confession and receiving communion was something alien to me. I was 'away' from the church for nearly 20 years and during those times I was constantly in a spiritual struggle as if there was a force which keeps on pulling me back to the church and whenever I had the courage to bring myself to church - there would be many moments where I would be in tears, feeling the unworthiness to be in front of the Lord, my sinfulness and the wanting to be back at the embrace of the Lord yet I didn't have the courage to do so until much later. 

Initiation ...

I was absolutely uncertain even on the final night prior to my entering the seminary i.e. Initiation Year or IY. There were so many things in my mind ranging from fear to excitement, not being able to pin-point the exact feeling or even how I should feel or for that matter, how a seminarian should feel before stepping onto unfamiliar grounds.

Whatever the feeling may be, the decision has been made and that after undergoing two years of spiritual direction with two separate priest, the many conversations I had with two close seminarian friends of mine about my vocation, and the many community masses I had attended and a short sojourn at the diocesan formation house, have all come to this.

This very first step I feel is the most important one to bring myself to another phase of commitment in my discernment. The whole process of initial discernment from the first time I attended a vocation weekend camp to my short stay with the Jesuits in Singapore and the spiritual direction would come to absolute nothing if I did not make a decision on how I would further proceed. A decision has to be made, either I take the plunge or do I make a firm decision not to proceed further and to remain in the secular world. Deep down inside, I had made a decision to proceed with my discernment but it was extremely difficult for me to implement the decision taken as I procrastinate on the whole matter giving unnecessary excuses.

Nevertheless, I believe with the guidance of the Holy Spirit and encouragement and support from unlikely people, I took myself by surprise and put the whole process into motion. Requesting for the application form from the Rector, undergoing a full medical check-up, and meeting the local ordinary on three different occasion kind of sealed the whole process and it was a matter of allowing the local ordinary to make the final decision. After waiting for three weeks, the day came when I was to receive news on my application and it was positive and the 'ball' was left to me either for me to kick it back or to take it and 'play' along.

There were some even priests who were apprehensive that I would take the plunge considering my age, years of working experiences and time spent in the secular world, but eventually the day came and I made preparations to enter. With the air-ticket and 2 luggage I made my way to the airport and after bidding farewell to my parents I was off and that 28th January 2013 was the day I came knocking on the door of the formation house asking God whether He would permit me to enter and be formed accordingly to His will.